Barb's Christian Webpage
A Very Weird
Thing Has Happened
by Rose Mula
A strange old
lady has moved into my house! I have no idea who she is, where she came from,
or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day
she wasn't there and the next day she was!
She is a very clever old lady. She manages to keep out of sight for the most
part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I
look in the mirror directly, to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the
whole thing and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body! This is very
rude. I have tried screaming at her to stop it but she just screams back,
grimacing horribly. She is really quite frightening!
If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay a
little rent. But, no! Every once in a while, I do find a dollar bill stuck into
a coat pocket, or some loose change under the sofa cushion, but that is not
nearly enough.
In fact, I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money
from me! I go to the ATM and withdraw one hundred dollars, and a few days later
it is all gone! I certainly don't spend money that fast, so I can only conclude
that the old lady is pilfering from me. You would think she would use some of
that money to buy some wrinkle cream! God knows she needs it!
And money isn't the only thing I think she is taking. Food seems to disappear
at an alarming rate, too. Especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and
candy. I just can't seem to keep that stuff in the house anymore. She must
really have a sweet tooth, but she better watch it because she is really
packing on the pounds! I think she realizes that and to make herself feel
better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think that I am putting on
weight too!
For an old lady, she really is quite childish though. She likes to play these
really nasty games like going into my closet when I'm not home and altering my
clothes so that they don't fit. Or, messing with my files and papers so that I
can't find them. This is particularly annoying since I am an extremely neat and
organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record what I have
carefully and correctly programmed it to record.
She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me. She gets to my mail,
newspapers and magazines before I do and somehow blurs the print so badly that
I can't see it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume
controls on my TV, radio and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles and
whispers!
She has done other things like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner
heavier, and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed
higher so that getting in to and out of it is a real challenge. Furthermore,
she gets to my groceries before I get them put away and applies super glue to
the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is this any way to
repay my hospitality?
I don't even get any respite at night because more than once, her snoring has
awakened me. It is very unattractive! And as if there weren't bad enough, she
is no longer confining her tactics to the house. She has found a way to sneak
into my car and follow me everywhere I go!
She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try
something on, she tries on the same exact outfit and stands in front of the
dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in the
outfit and she keeps me from seeing how great it looks on me!
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong.
She came with me to get my driver's license picture taken and just as the
camera shutter clicked, she jumped right in front of me! Who is going to
believe that the picture of that old lady is ME?!
--Rose Mula
Rose's Email
Readers can see more of Rose's work on the web magazine, Seniorwomen.com